Three Act Comedy
by aussiesheila47
Summary: Three Act Comedy: Revenge of the Frustrated Writers, or, Harry Potter’s Life is Disrupted by Original Characters. Trailer inside.
1. Trailer

**Trailer **

Title: _Three Act Comedy: Revenge of the Frustrated Writers_, or, _Harry Potter's Life is Disrupted by Original Characters_

Just don't ask. You don't _want_ to know.

Characters: Harry, Hermione, Ron, Gary Stu, Mary Sue

Plot in a nutshell: Mary Sue and Gary Stu (drop-dead gorgeous Americans) come to Hogwarts on exchange. Their exoticness drives the canon characters crazy. Hermione gets a crush on Gary Stu. That gets Ron's back up – until he starts to crush on Mary Sue. Shock, horror, Harry likes Mary Sue too (and who could blame him, being a sixteen-year-old boy who seems to crush on pretty girls – exhibit A, Cho Chang) and so Harry and Ron have a fight and become very competitive as to who Mary Sue will go out with. Gary Stu and Mary Sue leave after a month, and tell the Trio that they needed the damp, pneumonia-inducing air of England to realise that they love each other. Ron and Hermione are devastated and take solace in each other's arms while Harry sees Ginny, widens his eyes and jumps on a broom to try to impress _her_.

Some friends of mine in my computing class are in the drama club and asked me to write something HP-related for them to act in (they caught me on the Harry Potter Lexicon). Anyway, this is the result.

They didn't understand half the jokes. Oh, and the title of the fic is a pun on Agatha Christie's Poirot novel, _Three Act Tragedy_. They didn't understand that, either.


	2. Act I, sc i

**Chapter 1: Act #1, Scene #1**

_Welcoming Feast, Great Hall, Hogwarts_

_Dumbledore_: To our new students, welcome! To our returning students, welcome back!

_Hermione_: He said that a few years ago, didn't he?

_Dumbledore_: I have a few announcements to make. Firstly, we now have an affiliate school in the United States of America, the Chicago Institute of Magic. To celebrate, we have begun an exchange program. Two of our students have gone to America, while two of theirs have come here.

_Ron_: Who's missing?

_Dumbledore_: Professor Severus Snape, our Potions master, is accompanying Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson of Slytherin House to Chicago. They will be gone for the next month.

_Harry_: No Snape for a month? Fantastic!

_Ron_: No Malfoy for a month? Excellent!

_Hermione_: No Pansy for a month? Brilliant!

_Dumbledore_: In the meantime, Professor Maisie Bentley is accompanying Gary Stu Walldecker and Mary Sue Armidale to our fair British Isles.

_Mary Sue, Gary Stu_/shuffle into view of Trio/are drop-dead gorgeous/

_Harry, Ron_/drool at Mary Sue/

_Hermione_/swoons at Gary Stu/

_Trio_/in unison/ I love America!

**A.N: The original characters' names are totally random and do not reflect my own opinion of Americans. (No more will their behaviour in later chapters)**


	3. Act I, sc ii

**Chapter 2: Act #1, Scene #2**

_Gryffindor Common Room_

_Harry_: Mary Sue is HOT! Do you reckon she'll go out with me?

_Ron_: Not if she's already going out with me! Mwahaha!

_Hermione_: You guys, you're _meant_ to be studying. Sheesh, and I thought girls were the ones who talked constantly. pauses Actually, though, you raised a good point.

_Harry, Ron_/in unison/ Mary Sue would go out with me?!

_Hermione_: Is that all you two care about? Girls?

_Harry_: Er, no. You're forgetting Quidditch.

_Hermione_: Sports don't count. Anyway. What do you believe my chances to be with Gary Stu?

_Ron_/falls of chair/ Ow. That hurt. WHAT? You wanna go out with that lunkhead?

_Hermione_: He's not a lunkhead. He's very good-looking and I bet he has a great personality …

_Harry_/stares at her/ Hermione, he's a Yankee.

_Hermione_: … and he can tell me about life in America. You know, seeing as how according to fanon, when fanfiction writers let me graduate from Hogwarts, they almost always make me uproot to the USA and work there, so that Ron and I have separation worries, and I move on and he doesn't, and then he seeks me out, and it gets very awkward because I'm dating some high-profile American wizard. sighs Anyway, we'd better finish these Herbology essays.


	4. Act II, sc i

**Chapter 3: Act #2, Scene #1**

_Courtyard_

_Mary Sue_: So, yeah, in the States, we play, like, Quodpot (pronounces, to the British/Aussie/Kiwi ear Kward-part), not Quidditch. So, like, what are the rules? Cos it sounds, like, totally bogus.

_Harry and Ron_/launch into detailed explanation of Quidditch/

_Harry_: You know, Mary Sue, I was the youngest Seeker in a century.

_Ron_: I'm Gryffindor Keeper, yeah? They call me their King.

_Gary Stu_: Like Elvis, you mean?

_Ron_: Who's Elvis?

_Hermion_e/gushes/ Oh, Gary Stu, are you Muggleborn as well? Gosh, that's something we have in common. Who would have thought?

_Gary Stu_/apprehensively/ Uh-huh…

_Hermione_: Oh, Mary Sue, can we have a chat?

_Mary Sue_: Um …

_Males_: (wander off-stage, comparing Quidditch and Kwardpart - erm, Quodpot)

_Hermione_: Listen, you're a TC, yeah? How do you be one?

Awkward pause

_Hermione_: continues Because guys seem to go for TC's more than girls like Ugly Betty and me.

_Mary Sue_: Um …

**A.N: I mean no disrespect to Ugly Betty fans! I've only seen part of one episode so I really don't know much about it except the basic premise. Read and review, please!**


	5. Act II, sc ii

**Chapter 4: Act #2, Scene #2**

_Hogwarts Lawn_

_Maisie Bentley_: Month's up, Mary Sue and Gary Stu! waves them over Later, y'all Brits. It's been real.

_Gary Stu, Mary Sue_/wander on-stage/

_Mary Sue_: But of _course_ I'll go out with you, Gary Stu/sneezes/

_Trio_: WHAT?!

_Gary Stu_: We just needed a month in the damp, flu-inducing British air sneezes to realise we were made for each other.

_Mary Sue_: Like, totally. /sneezes/ Except for in fanfiction that isn't deliberately Badfic.

_Mary Sue, Gary Stu_/sneeze/

_Maisie Bentley_: Move it, you two. We'll get you some Pepper-Up Potion at Customs.

_Original Characters_/in unison/ I'll be back! Mwahaha/amble off-stage/

_Ron_/turns to Harry/ I can't believe we fell out over someone so fickle.

_Harry_: Stupid, wasn't it? Completely out of character, too. Hey, Hermione, do you know where Ginny went?

_Hermione_: Er, the Quidditch pitch, I think.

_Harry_: Right. See you later. /dashes off stage in opposite direction to Original Characters/

_Ron_: Disappointed to see them go? The Original Characters, I mean.

_Hermione_: Well … it was nice while it lasted. But, Ronald, I want you to understand something. My interest in Gary Stu was exactly the same as my interest in Viktor Krum.

_Ron_: But … but … Walldecker didn't even play Quidditch!

_Hermione_: I want to work in International Relations when I graduate. So the more I know about how magical communities in other countries work, the better, really.

_Ron_: Phew.

_Ron , Hermione_/scuffle feet/

_Ron_: Ah, Hermione?

_Hermione_: Yes, Ronald?

_Ron_: Er, you know how there's that Hogsmeade visit coming up?

_Hermione_: Yes, Ronald …

_Ron_: Do you, er, want to go with me?

_Hermione_: Yes!

_Ron, Hermione_/dash off-stage/

_Ron_: from off-stage Where's the nearest broom cupboard?

**A.N: The speech of the original characters is only a caricature of how other nations think Americans speak. (Kind of like 'Crikey!' with Aussies.)**


	6. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Writer_: Merlin but that was satisfying. Badfics are always fun to write. I'm getting _so_ good. It was as though the characters actually came off the page and acted it out in front of me! Maybe I should go and write my own original stories. If they get published, I'll get royalties. Like, as in, MONEY! Oops, I'm going to be late for class. sticks pen behind ear, dashes off stage

**A.N. This was my first attempt at Badfic. How did I go? Did I use enough clichés? Was my portrayal of the Americans exaggerated enough? It's based on the Chaser's War On Everything, you see. You know, the people who pranked APEC. You can tell me all this in a review! (nudge nudge, hint hint)**


End file.
